Truth O'Clock

WHY is it when somebody compliments me that I can’t just respond with a simple ‘thank you’? It might be a compliment about how I look, a painting I’ve done, or something I’ve written, they all have the same effect on me. I’ll be given some really nice words like ‘I love your writing’ and I’ll reply with ‘thank you’, but I won’t leave it there, oh no. Instead I’ll smile awkwardly, and shrug my shoulders or shake my head while mumbling some self deprecating words. But if we’re talking online you won’t see any of that, so I’ll also type a few words about just how rubbish my writing really is. I’ll point out the flaws in case you’ve missed them. I have to make sure you know I don’t think it’s good. I’m just writing it because I want to. I’ll probably question why you’re even reading it in the first place, before ending with a pathetic ‘thanks though’.

It’s not that I don’t like compliments…well, actually it is. I don’t like receiving compliments in the same way I don’t like receiving presents. I never feel worthy of them and don’t know what to say or do when given them. But that doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate your thoughts or efforts. I do, I really do. It means so much to me that YOU think I am good, because I probably think you’re amazing. But that just makes my reaction to your compliment even worse.

So for now, let me just say, thank you very much. I appreciate your kind and encouraging words.

CUPID does not want you to be happy. He is an evil baby with his own agenda. So when he strikes with his arrow, and you find yourself staring adoringly at that girl with the long blonde hair, or that guy with the sexy smile, run. Run very far, very fast, because it’s round one of a very painful game. A game you do NOT want to play.

Some of Cupid’s favourite tricks…

He will make you fall in love with the person who does NOT want you. But don’t worry, he’ll make that person fall in love with someone who doesn’t want them either.

Cupid will draw back his bow, shoot that arrow, and when it hits, you’ll realise you’ve gone and fallen in love with somebody who is taken. Lovely. She might love you back. EVEN worse.

There is nothing he wants to do more than fuck with your mind and heart. And he can, by getting two of you to fall in love with each other, when it will NEVER work. Never ever. Oh, that one is so much fun.

That’s not all he can do, he can actually blind you. Yes, it’s true. Those flaws and annoying habits? You won’t notice them. Not until Cupid wants you to. You know, like after you’ve said ‘I do’.

That little monster prefers to target people who are minding their own business. If you’re happy enough, and not looking for any more love in your life, then you can be certain he will come after you. But if you’re lonely, and looking for love, don’t worry, you’re completely safe. You will never see him.

Whoever said ‘It is better to have loved and lost…’ clearly only lost his marbles, and never his heart.

EVERY single one of us wants happiness. Even you, so don’t deny it. If you want to be miserable, then there’s your happiness right there. Good for you, some people are deliriously happy being miserable. The rest of us, we want the typical picture of happiness. You know? Love and everything that goes with it. Maybe that’s travelling the world with that special person. Or settling down, with the house, the garden, the kids, the dog. Making music. Making art. Growing flowers. Maybe it’s none of that. We’re all different, and all want or need different things to make us feel happy.

But go with me for a minute…

You are a passenger on an airplane flying through the sky,  when suddenly there’s a loud bang. The lights flicker. The smell of smoke fills the air. A woman screams, and there’s a baby crying. The oxygen mask drops in front of your face. You stare at the terrified faces of the people around you, sharing this horrible experience, as you feel yourself plummeting to your death. But then, you notice the screen in front of you. The film is still playing. You’ve seen this one before and it’s at your favourite part. This is the part where the guy realises that the girl still loves him, and that everything she did, was because of this love. It all makes sense now, and they embrace. You look at the girl sitting next to you, she’s staring intently at the screen, and it’s obvious she enjoys this film too. Your phone beeps with a text message from your ex that reads ‘Miss you. Wanna meet?’. You roll your eyes as you press the delete button. Now there’s a new smell in the air. Peanuts. The girl sitting next to you is eating YOUR peanuts. That cheeky bitch. She said she didn’t want any, but now she’s eating YOURS. If she wanted peanuts, she should have asked for her own fucking peanuts. She licks her salty fingers and you find yourself wishing you had fingers like that. Long, slender, feminine fingers, that probably play the piano. You have always admired people who play musical instruments. You intended to learn the guitar but haven’t quite gotten around to it yet. You will soon. You’ve just been so busy with your job. You hate your damn job. But it pays for the house. That house takes up so much of your time too. There’s always some sort of DIY to be done. And it’s never perfect enough. Not for your mother-in-law anyway. She’s finished the peanuts. The girl next to you. She’s looking over at the guy across the aisle and probably thinking about stealing his peanuts too. Some people have no fucking manners. Though he’s smiling back. Maybe he likes her. She’s probably prettier than you. Pretty peanut stealing bitch. Some people get all the peanuts. Life is so unfair. Now all you can think about is god damn peanuts. Every second that passes is a second you’re without the peanuts you wanted.

If you were really plummeting to your death it’s very unlikely that your focus would be on something as trivial as peanuts. You’d probably be feeling your heart pounding in your chest and wishing you’d given more attention to the things that really mattered. Thinking if you just had more time you’d definitely concentrate on the more important things. Enjoy life. Take pleasure in the little things and do the big things you were always too scared or busy to do. Now you’d realise that life is short and you should have just gone with your heart.

Life IS short. Yet all of us are distracted by peanuts. Not literal peanuts. But all the little stuff. The day to day crap that we all wade through. The boring job, the petty arguments, the ups and downs of life, wanting a new car, having to go to that event that we REALLY don’t want to go to, finally tiling the bathroom or putting shelves up, wondering why he hasn’t texted back yet. It’s all fucking peanuts!

And that, my friend, makes us monkey fools. Too distracted by everything going on around us to notice we’re fucking dying and our life is what’s happening right now.

I’m not saying you can go through life without the peanuts. You can’t. In fact, some people love the peanuts. If that’s you, then have all the peanuts your little heart desires. But if your heart wants something else, and you ache inside to be somewhere else, to do something else…then do it. I know there’s a million excuses as to why you can’t, and they are real and valid, but I don’t need to hear them.

You can feel sorry for yourself, and you can bitch and you can whine, and before you know it you’ll have bitched and whined yourself ten years forward. And now you’re bitching and whining AND lamenting another ten years washed over you.
 
You’re on an airplane and it’s not staying up in the air forever. You haven’t got time to make any excuses or to put things off. None of us do. Start getting happy. Whatever the hell it is that makes you smile, whatever helps you get through the day, that dream you hold in your heart, that something you’ve always wanted to do, start paying that some attention.

You can’t let your life pass you by because you are afraid. Grow up! Don’t exist, live!

Mmmmmmmmmm peanuts.

HE might be twenty years older than me and married, but that doesn’t mean I can’t crush on him, right? Don’t tell me you’ve NEVER had an inappropriate crush before, because I won’t believe you. I’ve had a couple. Mostly on men a lot older than me and once on a girl with long black hair and sparkling blue eyes. Not sure if I wanted to fuck her or BE her though. Perhaps both.

You’re probably crushing on somebody right now. You LOVE it when you ‘accidentally’ bump into her at the photocopier. You like talking to him just a little more than you do everyone else. And I know you get a bit excited when she DMs on twitter. I am SO onto you. But don’t worry, I won’t say a word.

Afterall, it’s just a little crush.

REMEMBER that time when you were about to jump into the shower but then you realised you had left your big soft towel on the bed? With the hot water running, you decided to risk the naked dash from bathroom to bedroom, past the full glass back door of your house to retrieve it? You were a city girl, new to the countryside and figured the chances of anyone being at the BACK of your house while you covered the short distance naked, on this quiet sunny day, were slim. Well YOU were an idiot. Halfway across you noticed a figure standing at the back door about to knock. For a split second your eyes locked. He froze. You were still dashing across but it felt as if you were doing so in slow motion. When you finally made it to safety behind the closed bedroom door, you sat on the edge of the bed with your face in your hands, screaming ‘Noooooo!’ as you let it register in your brain that the husband of your good friend had just seen you naked. Having to go over to their house later didn’t feel like something you wanted to do anymore and a couple of nights later when you had to attend a gathering there, you both tried to ignore the whole Nakedgate incident. It’s never spoken of, but every so often you both turn puce. I know, that wasn’t you. That was ME! But I’m sure you have an embarrassing memory you’d sooner forget too. That’s not going to happen. Your mind isn’t that compassionate.

However, you know that one friend’s birthday? Or that guy’s name? Where you left your car keys? Everything on the shopping list that you somehow managed to leave behind? The answer to that exam question? Sometimes, when you’re standing in front of a line of people at the ATM and it’s time for you to enter your pin number? Yeah, well those things your brain will happily let you forget. No problem forgetting there.

I can’t remember what time I said I’d meet you at, but I can totally recall the morning I woke up in Galway so hungover that I felt like I was going to die. I decided to go the beach for a swim and let the water work it’s healing magic. I was staying in an unfamiliar neighbourhood and as I hobbled towards the general direction of the sea, my legs feeling weak and shaky, my tummy queasy, I realised I was lost. Finally, I had to ask a lovely old man for directions. He was polite as he tried to point me in the right direction, but he seemed somewhat distracted and didn’t want to look me in the eye. It was only after I’d thanked him and continued on my way that I realised my left breast had somehow popped out of my top. Oh yeah, I flashed my nipple at the nice old man. Not all my embarrassing memories involve showing off the twins though, honest.

Ah, my friend Ms. Memory isn’t so bad though. Sometimes she takes me on really nice trips. I get to visit happier times. The people I miss that are long gone can be found there. I’m reminded of the fun things we did together. The funny moments we shared that still make me laugh out loud when recalled.

I guess we just have to take the good with the bad. Memory can be a wonderful thing. Sometimes it’s painful. Often it’s embarrassing. It’s the worst of friends, it’s the best of friends, but I wouldn’t be without it.

THAT time again eh? Time to…change time. This never fails to annoy me. It makes me feel like I’m living in a world gone mad. During the dark winter months we push the clocks back an hour. Then, when the days start to get brighter for longer, we spring them forward again. We do this to save daylight. If this makes sense to you then you’re crazy in the head. IN THE HEAD. Why? Because you think it makes more sense to change EVERYONE’S clock and TIME ITSELF rather than go to work/school an hour later in the winter months.

If we want to work around the light, then WE should be flexible. Instead of trying to mess with time. Ugh.

I don’t want a loan of your “extra hour” and I don’t want to give an hour back to you when you demand it.

Get your hands off my clocky face!

YOU don’t even deserve this advice. You deserve to have sex alone. Forever. But I’m in a good mood so I’m going to share these words with you. But only once, so listen carefully. Ready?

When, IF, you are lucky enough to have sex with another person again, do NOT call your cum ‘sex wee’. It really isn’t as hot or as funny as you think it is.

While you’re at it, maybe leave out ‘love juice’ and ‘sexy sauce’ too.

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

You’re Welcome.

NOSY bastards are everywhere. They live next door to you. They work on your floor. They wait with you at the school gates. They sit next to you in the pub. Try the park, you’ll find them there. They’ll even have the audacity to text your phone and tweet with their prying question marks. There’s no escape.

Where have you been?

Do you own your house?

How much do you earn?

What do you weigh?

Is that your natural hair colour?

How old are you?

Are you gay?

The list of annoying questions is endless. However, I have nothing against the asking of questions. It leads to answers. Answers lead to knowledge. This is a good thing. I just have issue with certain people thinking it is their RIGHT to know personal information. The confusion when you don’t volunteer information readily. This confusion often leads to awkward silences and the question being asked again. Even though you obviously don’t want to answer it.

I like to think of the awkward silence as a game. Just completely ignore the question and see who caves first. I win. Mostly.

But I have a new game. A trick to avoid the silence. Or the frustration afterward when you realise you yet again filled in the nosy bastard questionnaire while under duress. It’s so simple, it’s genius.

Six little words so powerful, that they will instantly wipe the memory of ever even asking that annoying question from the askers snoopy brain. “There is a spider on you!” Now you’re in control. You can be a hero and take the imaginary spider from her hair. Have fun with it first though. Widen your eyes and recoil in horror. Say things like “Oh Jesus, it’s huge!” and ask “You haven’t been to Africa recently have you?” Scream as you finally cup it in your trembling hands and run away. You might even want to invest in a fake spider to carry around in your pocket.

For the online Mr. Nosy there’s always a ‘block’ button.

You’re welcome.

UNREQUITED love is a bitch. Yet despite how much pain it causes in your chest, the sea of tears it’s formed around your bed, and the way it’s left you feeling pathetic at your pleading with the gods for a tiny ray of hope that he may change his mind and suddenly realise he loves you back, there IS something worse. Much worse.

When he USED to love you. When he looked at you adoringly, thanked the stars above he’d found you as he tenderly kissed each finger and held you close. When he made love to you with such passion it made you cum harder than ever before. When you talked for hours at a time, about nothing and everything. Planned a life together and then, THEN, he fell out of love with you. THAT unrequited love is the very worst form of unrequited love. The love you lost.

You’ll torture yourself with the ‘What did I do?’ ‘What’s wrong with me?’ ‘Can I win him back?’ ‘Did he ever really love me?’ questions, over and over. But the answers don’t really matter anymore. You’re allowed to wallow in self-pity for a while. Curl up in a ball and sob under your duvet if you have to. Cry in your shower as you sing your way through songs of heartbreak, but only for a while. Eventually you need to snap out of it and start to at least try to function again. Without him. Because, and this is going to hurt, so brace yourself, he’s not coming back. He’s gone. He’s moved on. And so must you.

How? I hear you ask. Well, the truth is I don’t know. I wish I did. I don’t think anyone does. Everyone is different, and we all find unique ways of coping and moving on. However, some things seem to help a little for all of us.

* Cut contact with him completely. I said completely. That includes email, facebook, twitter, and yes, texting. Delete his number from your phone RIGHT NOW to avoid drunken (or desperately sober) texts to him. Ignore that hopeful corner of your heart that thinks they might make him see the light, they won’t. They only make you even less appealing.

* Get out. Out from under the duvet. Out of the house. Out of the country. Just OUT. Fresh air, a change of scenery.

* Talk to your friends. Or find someone you can talk to. It helps.

* Eat properly and get some sleep. Simple.

* Exercise. I know it’s the last thing you feel like, I do, I really do. But trust me, if you bump into him in a few weeks do you want to look as shit as you feel right now? No, you want to look your best. You want to look hot. Losing a couple of lbs is going to make you feel and look better. PLUS exercise makes you happy. Fact.

* Distractions. It’s really important to distract yourself with other things as much as possible. Do something new. Take up a new hobby. Make time for friends. Help out someone even less fortunate. Yeah, I know you’re hurting too much to care about anyone else’s suffering right now, but you’re not doing it for them, you’re doing it for you. It’s selfish giving.

* Treat yourself. To something you’ve wanted for ages. To something big. Or something small. You deserve it.

Ok, you’re getting out and about, you’re taking care of yourself, you’re busy with friends and your new hobby, but you’ll still find time to think about him. In fact, it will take up most of your time at first. But eventually you’ll realise that you’re thinking of him less and less. I promise you, it will get better. And when that pain finally eases and your mind isn’t filled only with thoughts of him, you’ll feel a sense of freedom. And that, my friend, is going to feel amazing.

Until then, remember that you deserve to be with someone who truly loves you. For now, fall in love with yourself again. You’ll be surprised where that will take you.

Good luck.